Support for Grief 

I count myself lucky to have gotten to my 50s without experiencing the devastating sense of grief and loss that we have been navigating as a family since my dad died recently. I’m in ‘the club’ now. The one that no one really talks about. The ‘if you know, you know’ club of loss and grief. As a member of that club, allow me to share some thoughts about our experiences being on the receiving end of the support from those around us -particularly my parents’ pastor, who was incredible with us and whose kind and sensitive pastoral support made all the difference to us as a family.

Grief is a journey none of us want to take, yet it is universally experienced by anyone who has ever lost someone or something they love. Whether it's the death of a loved one, a breakup, a job loss, or any other significant change, grief encompasses a range of emotions and experiences. Grief is complex and deeply personal, often accompanied by shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, and profound sadness- although grief does not have a uniform expression and there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. 

I’ve learnt over this past year that grief is indeed a process- there’s no magic wand, no quick-fix formula, no prayer line or alter call that takes away the pain that is sometimes just a dull ache in the background somewhere, and at other times a juggernaut to the gut. While some people may begin to heal within weeks or months, others may take years. Grief doesn't follow a set timeline, and there's no standard way to experience it.  Allowing the grieving process to unfold naturally, whilst encouraging self-compassion and patience is key.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (https://www.ekrfoundation.org/) introduced the concept of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages can be helpful in understanding grief, they’re not a rigid framework. Not everyone experiences all five stages, and they often don't occur in a specific order. Grief is a roller coaster with ups and downs, and each person's journey is unique. 

Helping people deal with grief requires time, patience, and empathy. Church leaders can (and arguably should) play a significant role in supporting those who are grieving, by providing emotional support, guidance, and comfort.

So, what are some of the important aspects that church leaders need to know?

Understanding some of the common misconceptions of grief is a good start, such as:

Myth: Ignoring the pain will make it go away faster.
Fact: Ignoring pain often prolongs it. Real healing requires facing the grief.

Myth: Being strong means not crying or showing emotion.
Fact: Crying and expressing emotions are normal and healthy ways to cope with grief.

Myth: Grief should last 18 months to two years.
Fact: There's no set time frame for grief. Everyone's journey is different.

Myth: Moving on means forgetting the loss.
Fact: Moving on means accepting the loss, not forgetting it. 

Other important pastoral aspects include:

Being Present and Listening
One of the most important things leaders can do for someone who is grieving is to be present. This means offering a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or simply holding space for someone, which means avoiding the urge to fill silence with words or advice. Sometimes, just being there is the most significant support someone can provide.

Providing Emotional Support
Leaders can provide emotional support by validating feelings, offering empathy, and recognising the unique aspects of each grief journey. Encourage individuals to express their emotions and share words of comfort with them. Don’t try to minimise the loss by trying to focus the person’s attention on positive aspects (like ‘heaven’ for instance) too soon. Mourning loss is an important aspect of grieving and becoming comfortable with the discomfort of someone else’s sadness without trying to fix it, is a key leadership principle- one that my parents’ local pastor modelled so well.

Offering Practical Assistance
Grief can be overwhelming, and those who are grieving may struggle with daily tasks or responsibilities. Leaders can offer practical assistance to help lighten their load. This might include offering to help with errands, cooking, or coordinating a network of people who can support them during this challenging time. The local church in my parents’ town excelled at this. Making food for us, helping with funeral arrangements, helping my Mum move house after my Dad passed away. They demonstrated Christ’s love practically and their actions were like a soothing balm.

Maintaining Sensitivity and Respect
It's crucial for leaders to maintain sensitivity and respect when supporting someone who is grieving. Respect their boundaries, avoid clichés, and recognise cultural differences that might influence how they grieve. By leading with compassion and understanding, leaders create a safe space for people to navigate grief and find the comfort they need.

Addressing Mental Health Concerns
Grief affects not only the emotions but also the mind. Understanding the psychological aspects of grief can help leaders provide better support to those navigating loss. Grief can manifest in various psychological responses, including shock, confusion, anxiety, and depression. While most people eventually find their way through grief, some may need additional support to address severe psychological issues. Knowing when to encourage individuals to seek professional help from a trained therapist, GP or counsellor is so important.

We were incredibly blessed to have been supported so well by a church leader (whose church my parents had only just joined a few months before) and by the church he leads. Almost a year later, individuals from the church still pick my Mum up for meetings, inviting her to join in without undue pressure or demand and check in on her regularly. They have shown that they understand the process of grieving and that supporting people for the long-haul with compassion, patience and kindness reflects the very heart of Jesus who said: ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall receive comfort”.

Some additional resources can be found here:

Cruse.org.uk
ACC-uk.org
Thegoodgrieftrust.org
Mind.org.uk
Good Grief- book by Malcolm Duncan available on amazon.co.uk here