Jesus continues to save me.
This particular subject is extremely sensitive to me, it has actually taken me a while to decide about writing this. After speaking with my wonderful mother and praying deeply about it, I have decided to take this issue and address it.
My personal struggle with mental illness has been all to real, we were all raised in a society where this was all very taboo and we do not like to discuss it, but the insane reality of the matter is that there are millions of people in the United States that suffer deeply with this topic. (57.7 million to be exact; NIMH.gov) The sad reality of this all is that we like to hide the fact that sometimes we aren’t okay, when in reality admitting that we aren’t okay sometimes makes us more sane. Mental illness is our hormones just not matching up the way that they should be, deficiencies and abnormalities in our bodies.
I have struggled so deeply with suicide because of my mental illness, and it is only by the grace of God that I sit here and write this blog. The Lord himself knows that at times I sincerely feared myself, and I know for a fact that God himself had a hand in saving me the times that I didn’t succeed. If you yourself do not suffer from this I can not explain it enough, it is absolutely devastating to fear yourself. My reality becomes confused, and I become increasingly unsure of what is real and what is not. I am easily angered and I cry at things that people shouldn’t cry at, and the most frustrating thing in the world is when people tell you that you are to sensitive because I genuinely can not control how my emotions are being expressed. Through all this mess, through the mess of my mind and the mess of my struggle I asked a billion times where God was. I used to ask myself why God allowed me to struggle so deeply with being mentally ill and how in the world this could be part of any divine plan, and that for sure God must either be angry with me or hate me so much that he gave me this terrible struggle within my mind.
The truth of the matter was and still is, that God loves me SO deeply that he gave me modern miracles, modern miracles of medicine and of the chance to help others, and reach out to non believers through my illness and through my struggle. I can honestly say that I have never felt the presence of God more then when I am having a breakdown or an episode or just an extremely bad day, he is so close to the brokenhearted, and at times it literally felt like my heart was in two. One of the main things that people forget about people with mental illness is that we still love deeply, so deeply. I absolutely hate hurting people that i love, and it is such a terrible day when i do, I have hurt nearly everyone that has ever handed me any of their heart, and for the longest time i could not forgive myself for being so messed up that i genuinely hurt amazing people. At the time, and when I’m dealing with issues or having a bad breakdown, I do not realize that I have hurt anyone until afterwards.
When I began to forgive myself for some things that I genuinely had no control over, I began to heal. I can not explain why I have done things in my past, I literally don’t understand them myself and I don’t think I ever will, I also don’t think i want to, because I’ve forgiven myself. The forgiveness of the world does not matter, only the forgiveness of Christ does, and I know that i am sooooo forgiven, we can’t change the things we do when we are having a breakdown or an episode, or some out of this world thoughts or perceptions or stories that our minds think are real, but I know that no matter what I do when I lose it, God is always taking care of me. His hand is willingly all over all of our lives. Sometimes we honestly need to have that breakdown, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be where I am without my major breakdowns, I don’t think I would be diagnosed or even here.
Following Jesus is so hard in general, especially when you struggle with this, the constant battle within my mind is so real and so deep. I honestly do not understand how people struggle like this without Christ and are still alive, I know that without Jesus I would not get by day to day in anything. It absolutely blows my mind that people struggle everyday with mental illness without Jesus. He is literally all that keeps me going, he is all that keeps me sane some days and on my really bad days, I know that I have an amazing father that continues to love me, regardless of how I act that day. I hope that anyone that struggles with this knows that we still have the BEST Dad that anyone could ever have, and just because sometimes you have really bad days it doesn’t mean that he isn’t there. I know that I get so caught up in my bad days, I forget to even call on God, the more I learn and the more I grow the more I see opportunity in my diagnosis, I get the chance to minister and to love people through all this mess and nothing in the world can change the fact that I am absolutely spotless in my fathers eyes.
We as a society have to stop making this so taboo to talk about, there is nothing wrong with struggle and even the fact that we go and seek help shows that we want so badly to grow and to learn and to heal and to live with anything that we are handed, I am beyond blessed. I know for a fact that I would not be so close to my Father if it wasn’t for my struggle, and that was how God pursued me at some times, he took me in and gave me comfort and everyday he gives me hope. Hope that I can turn a bad situation into a really great one, he gives me hope that we can stop talking bad about one another for being ill and start loving one another regardless of the fact that we are not alike. I know that God has saved me so many times from myself, and I know that when God saves us that many times, there is a reason for it, my time here is not over, and I plan to use the time I was given to help and encourage those that need it most. The Lord is so perfect, beyond everything, and I pray that anyone that reads this that struggles deeply with this topic and has not received help, gets help. We can not get better if we just sit back and allow ourselves to be consumed with our illness, instead we need to decide that we are going to have great days. Every day is a struggle, but everyday is a victory. I am looking forward to having so many victories, and I love that my dad looks down at me and celebrates my victories with me.
Today was a victory.